To The Guy Who Was Also A Bottom

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One of the things I envy most about straight people is how broad their dating pool is. Not only is there less gay people, estimated to be about 10% of the population, but we also have the top/bottom issue. If you’re not familiar with this terminology, without trying to sound crude, some guys prefer to do the penetrating during anal sex, while others would rather just receive it, as well as those lucky ones out there who are versatile, meaning they do both.

About 18 months or so ago, I was looking for a hookup when this really stunning guy appeared on that infamous app. He was absolutely stunning, both visually and emotionally. At the time he was doing the exact same MA that I am now doing, he was smart, had a really cool ‘international school’ accent — you know the type that sounds quasi-American — which was complemented by him having an amazing smile and a beautiful face, seriously he is one of the most attractive people I have ever seen.

Anyway we agreed to meet-up at where he was based, which was his student accommodation. As it was during the Summer break, it meant that campus was far quieter than normal, which was actually really nice. He told me where to meet him and I could see him waving from his window, one hand pointed at me, the other clutching onto a cigarette (I suppose no one can be 100% perfect). We spent ages chatting to one another, bonding over a shared interest in current affairs, he spoke about where he came from and why he had decided to come to the UK, as well as what his career prospects were. I promise that I don’t always sound like a job interviewer.

After a while, he implied that we should have “some fun”, we went to go ahead with it, when it dawned on me that both of us were bottoms. This made things incredibly awkward as it meant that we couldn’t have full-on sex, which at the time, I was absolutely gagging for. However, luckily enough, we could do other things which were still pretty fun.

However, this encounter, has made me think about how hard it is for gay men in general. Not only do we have a far smaller amount of men that we can date, but even within the gay community we are not sexuality compatible with every guy, making it even harder — I know I shouldn’t complain.

Unfortunately, I have since lost contact with this guy and even though we only met a handful of times, partly because he was leaving the country a couple of months after we first met, we built a unique bond. It was great to meet someone who was deeply intellectual, yet charming and funny also. This was complimented by him liking my innocent demeanour, my “British accent” (I don’t think I really have much of one) and the fact I was the only person in the UK he had met who pronounced his name right.

To The Guy Who Was Also A Bottom I say that I really am sorry for the both of us in that we could not have been more sexually compatible, I mean I know nothing serious would have ever come of it, but if I look back and think about guys I regret not being more intimate with, he is definitely top of the list — what is even worse in this case is that I have since discovered that I sometimes have the urge to top. Alas, I did not know it then.

To The Guy Who Couldn’t Look Me In The Eye

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Earlier this year, I briefly dated a guy. He was over 6 foot tall, really skinny, but really sweet at the time. We had been chatting for a while on an app, and we worked out that both of us had a class that ended at the same time. So one day after that class we met up and went for coffee. He was really nice, a good sense of humour, smart (he was a law student) and was a good listener, what wasn’t there to like?

To be honest, at the time, I liked him quite a bit. It was the first guy I had been on a date with for quite a few months. I like the fact that he was actually pretty intelligent, something that seems to be rare in the guys that I have thus far dated. After the day, we hugged and agreed to meet-up again.

It was a good three to four weeks before we saw one another again, as we both had exams and essays to do. We had planned to go for coffee again (I know, I should’ve thought of something more interesting and different), however everywhere was so busy. So he was like “do you want to come back to mine?”, I accepted and we proceeded to walk to his place.

We carried on talking and I realised why I liked him in the first place, he was still really smart but had a slight sassy attitude, with a sarcastic undertone, which I really found funny. We hung out at his place for a while, drank coffee and he showed me his art collection.

However, things went badly very quickly. After a while, we started making out, which was fun, I must admit. But then he said “Can I fuck you?” Never had anyone asked me that so directly, I was flustered and unsure of what to do. I replied “No, i’m sorry”. His face changed instantly and soon after that I left his place.

Later on, I found out that he had blocked me on all forms of social media. I know I rejected that advance, but by no means did it mean I was not interested. When I like someone, I want to get to know them a lot more before we actually go down that road, if I was just looking for a hook-up, I probably would’ve accepted, but I knew that in this case that was not what I was looking for.

In the months since, i’ve seen him around campus a few times. One time, we both literally bumped into one another. I politely moved out of the way and smiled, he kept his head down — he could not bring himself to look me directly in the face. I find that kind of sad.

I get that he was embarrassed that I said no to him, however the way in which he reacted afterwards made me see a different side of him that I didn’t like.

To The Guy Who Couldn’t Look Me In The Eye I say, its a real shame that you were so dismissive so quickly in my response. If you had taken the time to understand why I said no to you, we might have lasted and it could’ve been something more meaningful (which you initially said you wanted). I don’t think of this that often, but the way I reacted was definitely a turning point for me, I realised that I could reject sex and learnt that I wanted more from a man that his penis.

To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of

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About a month or so ago, I went on a really good date with an incredibly nice guy. An anomaly of the dating pool that I have seen thus far. We agreed to meet for coffee one day after my class, it was a really good date — he was a great conversationalist, consistently made eye contact with me, he smiled throughout the whole date and was slightly flirty (but in a classy way). He was incredibly attractive, an Arab/Hispanic mix, who had these stunning brown eyes and a perfect facial complexion that was accompanied by a stunning smile, the type of guy that visually and emotionally I typically go for. However, something was missing. . .

Only like ten minutes after the date had ended, I received a message from him saying that he wanted us to meet-up again. It was rare that I get to the second date stage, if I am wholly honest, and I immediately accepted as I thought I wanted to see him again and hopefully see this develop into something more meaningful and long-term.

I started to do one of the most dangerous things you can do in dating and relationships which is overthink. I started to analyse every aspect of this guy, from his hobbies (which included kickboxing and amateur-dramatics) to his long-term career goals. There was genuinely nothing wrong with him at all. . . but I just couldn’t bring myself to go on another date with him.

A few days after this, I heard from him again, he was hoping to plan the next date, however I came up with some bullshit excuse to avoid it in the short-term, I just couldn’t make up my mind on what I wanted. I know I overthink a lot, I mean at the end of the day, it was only going to be a non-formal date. . . what could possibly go wrong?

Then I realised what was wrong. . . I liked the idea of this guy, more than I actually liked him. I know that’s something that is commonly heard and since I had been single for about eleven months when I met him, I think there was a natural urge by me to try and find something meaningful again. I feel like a terrible person for brushing him off in the way I did, when he asked again about a second date, I acted as if all I wanted was a hookup (as I knew that he would not like that). . . which he subsequently didn’t.

To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of, I firstly say sorry (I have the habit of apologising, it seems) for messing you about in the way I did. I’m honestly going through a turbulent time in relation to sex and relationships in that i’m having a crisis of not knowing who or what I want and when I want it. In this scenario I was a complete ass-hole and all I can do now is try and learn from this mistake and put this experience to good use in the future.