To The Guy Who Was My First Love

The purpose of this blog is to talk about all of the different men in which I have encountered over recent times, however one guy in particular has occupied much of the time and the posts behind this blog. If you’ve read To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him and To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With then you’ll surely know a considerable amount about him by now.

For the last three months, i’ve been plagued by the thought of him. It has made me feel a multitude of emotions from fear, sadness and regret to euphoric joy and happiness. However, ever since I had returned to University from Winter break, I decided that the right thing for me to do was to tell him how I felt. Mainly for my own closure and allow me to move on.

In the weeks since coming back to University, I had not seen him around in any circumstance, which made things tougher and worse. Just over a week ago, I finally saw him, however he was with his girlfriend. Seeing him with her at the time made me feel so terrible and I couldn’t handle what to do next. I still spoke to him though, just not about the fact that I like him. The next day, I saw him again, however he was too far away for me to catch his attention. Once again, I felt melancholic and sad, I was stuck on what to do.

A few days later, I realised that both of us had a mutual friend, so I decided to contact her to say that I needed to talk to this guy about something and that I wanted him to get in touch with me. He subsequently got in touch with me. I messaged him saying that I had something of big importance to tell him, he replied by asking if I could send it to him over message form, which I declined. We eventually got around to arranging a meet, it took place today actually.

We agreed to meet on campus, as both of us had to be there for other commitments. We met in the main square, the square which in fact was the place I once saw him and realised that he was someone I had fallen for. The weather was immensely foggy and as I was standing there, I could see him appearing in the distance. The nerves were occupying me so badly, I quickly glanced at my phone to see the notes I had made to break the news to him.

He approached and I said, “I really need to tell you something, and i’m sorry in advance. I can’t look at you while I say it though”, I then proceeded to tell him that I like him, and explained that he’s had a profound impact on me over recent months. He was the perfect man about the whole situation, he of course said that he was straight, but then went on to say that he was flattered that I was interested in him in the first place and that it would not create any awkwardness. We spoke for a few minutes, I kept apologising to him, in my classic fashion, and felt sick throughout.

I then said thank you to him for being such a great person and proceeded to walk away. I could feel the tears gradually dripping down my face, something I had been able to hold-back throughout our conversation. The odd thing is that even though I had expected to cry, it was not because of the reasons I had expected. I was upset because I was relieved, these were not tears of sadness or regret, these were tears of a newly emancipated guy. I got it off my chest, the guy who had impacted me in a way that no-one has ever done so before — he actually was key to me coming out to my family.

The tears quickly left and what remained was a smile and a gratitude to this guy. Regardless of what happens from now on, I will always remember him as being the first person I loved. Even though he is straight and nothing cannot, and will not, ever come from it. I wouldn’t change the experience of meeting him and I am so lucky that the first person i’ve liked like this is such a wonderful human being.

To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With

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The original concept for this blog was that each post would be about a different guy who impacted me in a different way. Whether it be lustful, a crush, a relationship, someone I dated or someone I just hooked up with. However, less than a week into this blog, i’ve already ruined the concept. This post is the second post about a guy, he previously featured in To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him. As it something that is ongoing with me, I felt the need to write more about him. This post is To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With.

When does a crush, stop being a crush? It’s a question i’ve been pondering over for recently. Normally, it’s when the crush subsides and the feelings you have fade away, but what if the feelings grow even further than they did before. Is it love? Over recent years i’ve been with quite a few men, whether it be for a one-off hookup, dates or even something a bit more with one or two of them. However, the emotions I am currently feeling about someone are unlike those I have ever felt before, i’ve never felt so strongly about someone.

When i’m with this guy, or know i’m going to see him that day, i’m smiling literally all of the time. I can’t stop it, it’s something that just compels me. Seeing him makes me feel so good, talking to him lights me up so much. I could listen to him non-stop for hour upon hour. When I think about him, its never in a overly sexual context, it in a more romantic one, the fantasies are never about sex, but rather about holding hands, having in-depth meaningful discussions and being there to care for him when he is sad.

After i’ve finished talking to him, I still think about him. I wonder what he is doing with the rest of his day, I think about when i’m going to see him next, then I am sad. As I know this will be the longest time before I get to see him again, then that ruins the rest of the day. I wish I could spend more time with him and be with him in that way, I doubt that would ever happen though.

What makes this ‘crush’ different from anything i’ve ever felt before is that i’ve actually cried about it, and I don’t typically get upset about guys. I got outed as gay at high school and had an ex who literally left the country and in both circumstances, I was sad of course, but never did I let out a tear, however with this guy, i’ve been upset on multiple occasions. This had made me realise that it is more than lust, it is more than just liking someone, it is me loving a guy properly for the very first time.

I know I will have to tell him how I feel soon and I know that it could, and likely will, go terribly wrong. But deep down I know that if I don’t tell him, I will always regret not knowing how he reacts. To The Guy I Have Fallen in Love With, I have no other words to say, I really do think the world of you.