To The Guy Who Was My First Love

The purpose of this blog is to talk about all of the different men in which I have encountered over recent times, however one guy in particular has occupied much of the time and the posts behind this blog. If you’ve read To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him and To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With then you’ll surely know a considerable amount about him by now.

For the last three months, i’ve been plagued by the thought of him. It has made me feel a multitude of emotions from fear, sadness and regret to euphoric joy and happiness. However, ever since I had returned to University from Winter break, I decided that the right thing for me to do was to tell him how I felt. Mainly for my own closure and allow me to move on.

In the weeks since coming back to University, I had not seen him around in any circumstance, which made things tougher and worse. Just over a week ago, I finally saw him, however he was with his girlfriend. Seeing him with her at the time made me feel so terrible and I couldn’t handle what to do next. I still spoke to him though, just not about the fact that I like him. The next day, I saw him again, however he was too far away for me to catch his attention. Once again, I felt melancholic and sad, I was stuck on what to do.

A few days later, I realised that both of us had a mutual friend, so I decided to contact her to say that I needed to talk to this guy about something and that I wanted him to get in touch with me. He subsequently got in touch with me. I messaged him saying that I had something of big importance to tell him, he replied by asking if I could send it to him over message form, which I declined. We eventually got around to arranging a meet, it took place today actually.

We agreed to meet on campus, as both of us had to be there for other commitments. We met in the main square, the square which in fact was the place I once saw him and realised that he was someone I had fallen for. The weather was immensely foggy and as I was standing there, I could see him appearing in the distance. The nerves were occupying me so badly, I quickly glanced at my phone to see the notes I had made to break the news to him.

He approached and I said, “I really need to tell you something, and i’m sorry in advance. I can’t look at you while I say it though”, I then proceeded to tell him that I like him, and explained that he’s had a profound impact on me over recent months. He was the perfect man about the whole situation, he of course said that he was straight, but then went on to say that he was flattered that I was interested in him in the first place and that it would not create any awkwardness. We spoke for a few minutes, I kept apologising to him, in my classic fashion, and felt sick throughout.

I then said thank you to him for being such a great person and proceeded to walk away. I could feel the tears gradually dripping down my face, something I had been able to hold-back throughout our conversation. The odd thing is that even though I had expected to cry, it was not because of the reasons I had expected. I was upset because I was relieved, these were not tears of sadness or regret, these were tears of a newly emancipated guy. I got it off my chest, the guy who had impacted me in a way that no-one has ever done so before — he actually was key to me coming out to my family.

The tears quickly left and what remained was a smile and a gratitude to this guy. Regardless of what happens from now on, I will always remember him as being the first person I loved. Even though he is straight and nothing cannot, and will not, ever come from it. I wouldn’t change the experience of meeting him and I am so lucky that the first person i’ve liked like this is such a wonderful human being.

To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of

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About a month or so ago, I went on a really good date with an incredibly nice guy. An anomaly of the dating pool that I have seen thus far. We agreed to meet for coffee one day after my class, it was a really good date — he was a great conversationalist, consistently made eye contact with me, he smiled throughout the whole date and was slightly flirty (but in a classy way). He was incredibly attractive, an Arab/Hispanic mix, who had these stunning brown eyes and a perfect facial complexion that was accompanied by a stunning smile, the type of guy that visually and emotionally I typically go for. However, something was missing. . .

Only like ten minutes after the date had ended, I received a message from him saying that he wanted us to meet-up again. It was rare that I get to the second date stage, if I am wholly honest, and I immediately accepted as I thought I wanted to see him again and hopefully see this develop into something more meaningful and long-term.

I started to do one of the most dangerous things you can do in dating and relationships which is overthink. I started to analyse every aspect of this guy, from his hobbies (which included kickboxing and amateur-dramatics) to his long-term career goals. There was genuinely nothing wrong with him at all. . . but I just couldn’t bring myself to go on another date with him.

A few days after this, I heard from him again, he was hoping to plan the next date, however I came up with some bullshit excuse to avoid it in the short-term, I just couldn’t make up my mind on what I wanted. I know I overthink a lot, I mean at the end of the day, it was only going to be a non-formal date. . . what could possibly go wrong?

Then I realised what was wrong. . . I liked the idea of this guy, more than I actually liked him. I know that’s something that is commonly heard and since I had been single for about eleven months when I met him, I think there was a natural urge by me to try and find something meaningful again. I feel like a terrible person for brushing him off in the way I did, when he asked again about a second date, I acted as if all I wanted was a hookup (as I knew that he would not like that). . . which he subsequently didn’t.

To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of, I firstly say sorry (I have the habit of apologising, it seems) for messing you about in the way I did. I’m honestly going through a turbulent time in relation to sex and relationships in that i’m having a crisis of not knowing who or what I want and when I want it. In this scenario I was a complete ass-hole and all I can do now is try and learn from this mistake and put this experience to good use in the future.