Something Different

Before I proceed with this post, I felt the need to give a bit of context. If you’ve been a reader of my blog since its formation, you will be familiar with the posts, To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him and To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With. Well, this post is also about him, however unlike a conventional post on this blog, it has come directly from my notes app, without any editing or adding of images and so on. I wrote the note back in December and finally had the courage to publish it in full.

So. . . I’m a 22 year old postgraduate student, who is satisfied in most parts of his life. I have a great set of friends, I have a good social life and I keep active. I’m academically gifted and am on the right trajectory to get a good job in the near-future, however something has changed recently. I’ve started to develop feelings, pretty strong ones at that, for a straight friend.

It all started in the first week of my time at the University which I am doing my MA at. I decided that it would be best for me to get involved in some sort of social activity, to expand the pool of people I knew at University — which made playing tennis the natural fit. It was something I had done since I was a child and played weekly throughout my time as an undergraduate.

At this university, the courts were quite far out from the main campus, meaning the first week it was quite difficult to get there. I got off the bus at the university sports complex and a few others got off as well, who were going to play tennis. One of the guys there turned around and asked if I was going to play, to which I replied “yeah”. The walk from the bus stop to the courts is a good 5 to 7 minutes, even more sometimes because you have to walk over the Rugby and Football pitches, which are typically muddy.

I spoke to him for the whole time on the way to the courts, it turned out we knew a few of the same people, especially since the University I am now at is in my hometown. We bonded over that and it was nice to meet someone else at university who was really friendly.

When I got to the courts, there was about 20 others there. This was a stark contrast from my days as an undergraduate when there was half a dozen of us playing on a good day. I started hitting with some of the other guys, and girls, who had shown up to play.

After warming up, the student who ran the tennis programme at university, had the idea of putting us in pairs, to let us get to know one another better. We all had to put our rackets in a pile and he would pick two out at random and that would mean you were a pair.

A few pairs had already been made and then my racket was picked, shortly followed by this other guys. Of all the people who showed up to tennis, I was paired with the guy I had already been chatting too.

We started playing some matches and to be honest, he was a pretty good player. I could relate to some of the issues he had though — he is quite a skinny guy, meaning he had to rely on spin and technical shots rather than overly powerful ones — I’m very similar in that regard. Our game clicked and we were pretty successful as a tennis partnership.

After the end of that session, I proceeded to leave the courts and walk the same way I went in (I also noticed that me and him had matching tennis bags). However, he told me of a different route, a shortcut that he normally takes. I followed him over the other Football field and over this gate that led into the woods. We spent most of the time talking and this is where I started to reveal more about myself.

In a roundabout way, I told him that I was gay, I was instantly met with the response “I have a girlfriend”. At the time, that didn’t mean much to me, barring the fact another cute guy was straight. Plus, I had been used to that response from men, as firstly most men are in fact straight and secondly, it’s a polite way of saying that you’re not interested.

The next two weeks, the tennis social event had been postponed due to bad weather. I was disappointed, but what do you expect from the UK in Autumn and Winter. The next time I went to tennis, I bumped into this guy again. . . albeit when I was already on the court, as I was far earlier than he was.

We did similar mini-games that are classic of tennis. However, a key difference was that we were able to choose our pair. Me and this guy somehow ended up in a pair again. I was pretty happy, I mean he was better than most of the other guys there. . . plus we had pretty good levels of communication, which are essential when playing doubles.

After finishing, we went through the same secret route and chatted again. I got to know him better in those first two sessions than I did anyone else at University, even those on my course. Especially since, we both walk the same way and get the same bus, which means we spend up to 30 minutes talking in a one-on-one situation.

The week after, I went to tennis again and who did I end up being paired with, you guessed it. Our games clicked and we were successful once again. The tennis had been cancelled again for a few weeks, due to the weather and also because of reading week. 

The week after reading week I went to the same Saturday tennis sessions, however this time he was not there. Only in retrospect did I realise that this is significant. I paired up with someone different, someone who hadn’t attended any of the events so far this academic year. He is a really attractive guy, who I have since found out is either gay or bi. However, it was not the same, I desired the guy I met on the first week.

I started to develop a crush on him, I mean he is really handsome. He is about 5ft 9, pretty skinny, has this thick black hair, which is slightly messy (but you can tell that he has deliberately done it that way) and these utterly adorable round tortoise-shell glasses that really suit him.

Developing a crush on a guy like him was different for me. Trust me, skinny Asian men, even those with a London accent (he grew up in Haringey), is not my normal type. I typically go for Arab/Middle Eastern Men — however, this is not really important in the grand scheme of things.

Over the weeks that me and him had been talking, I started to learn quite a lot about him. His father is an academic at the university in London where I nearly did my MA (He has followed in his footsteps by doing the same degree as his father, even though he is not overly happy with his course), I found out his grandparents struggled to get back to Hong Kong (where his family originate from) because of the ongoing violence with the mainland, I’ve also learn that his girlfriends sister’s boyfriend is from Bermuda but somehow has an American accent, which he finds funny. He even told me about the fact he was going go-karting, as well as how his graduation project is going to be a handheld coffee machine.

However, there is one thing that has never appeared in our conversations which is his girlfriend. I mean, if I were straight and had a stable relationship, I would not stop going on about it (maybe he doesn’t because of his reserved nature). Literally though, we’ve spent hours talking over the weeks and she has never appeared in our conversations. . . only ever in reference to someone else. All I’ve learnt is that they’re on the same course. . . that is it. I briefly saw a photo of her, but not enough to gather what she actually looked like.

I just find it odd that he has never mentioned her directly. Maybe I’m a guy who overshares and to be honest when we’re together, he doesn’t get much chance to talk. I do the whole talking too much thing because I’m so nervous. However, it is something that I think about more.

For example, when I was talking about my previous encounters with men, he seemed really curious about gay dating, especially gay dating apps. Maybe he was just genuinely curious or maybe he was just being polite, but it’s something that when I think about, it stands out just that little bit more.

The same can be said about his naivety over the whole top/bottom issue. I mentioned it in passing and he genuinely did not know what it was, I know its not something that straight people probably think of, I mean why would they. But, come on, its pretty self-explanatory. Part of me is starting to think that he may have been playing dumb — although there is no way to prove this theory.

Back to the crush, although I think it has developed into something more significant than a crush. I know that sounds odd for someone to say about a person I only met a matter of months ago, however I got to know him really quickly through talking pretty intimately and closely for a whole term.

There’s something different about him. He is not like any other man I have ever liked before and I don’t mean because of the aesthetics and his sexuality. There is a different emotional approach I have taken to him, I genuinely care for him. When I wake up in the morning, he’s the first thing I think about. When I fall asleep at night, he’s the last thing I think about. I think about him a lot in the day as well.

An example of this was at tennis the other day, I was hitting balls with this other guy, I couldn’t see the guy I liked anywhere, I felt down, but suddenly he appeared and this huge smile occupied my face and did not leave until I was no longer in his company.

The other day for example, I was playing Badminton and I was thinking about him, like properly. Everyone else on the court was playing a normal point, but not me, I was totally out of it, looking into space thinking about this guy.

What also makes this unique is that I feel there was a ‘moment’ recently. When we were leaving the courts, he impulsively decided we should sprint across the Football field. I mean it was really muddy and I’m not the biggest fan of getting messy. However, because he suggested it, I was in. We sprinted across this field and we got to the other side, where you have to climb a gate. There was a moment when we both stopped and looked at one another. Nothing was said, he climbed the gate before me, then I climbed it and briefly got stuck. 

I know it’s not much of a ‘moment’, but something felt different about it, something like a spark which had erupted out of nowhere.

I’ve dated and crushed over other men. However, I’ve never actually cried about them. There have been two significant men in my life so far. The first is the guy I crushed on when I was in Year 11 at school and got outed over. It was a pretty bad experience, I told friends that I had a crush on a guy in my English class, then they told other people and in a matter of weeks, the whole school found out that I was gay and had a crush on this guy.

That guy from my school never spoke to me again and it destroyed me, however not once during that experience did I actually cry or express sadness or upset.

Similarly, last year, I dated an Erasmus student for about three months. We developed quite a strong bond, we are still in contact now. We got close, we had sex, I saw good and bad in him, he probably saw the same with me. However, when he left the UK, I didn’t ever cry or get upset in the slightest. Of course I was sad, but never did I cry.

However, with this current guy from the tennis courts, I genuinely get upset about him and the way I feel. It hasn’t just been the once, it’s been on multiple occasions, in one case I burst completely into tears. I’ve never had such strong emotions for another guy, this is completely new for me.

One side of me says, nothing will ever happen, I mean the guy has a girlfriend and from the outside, he seems pretty comfortable in his sexuality and who he is.

The other side of me has suspicions. I mean, I hate to stereotype, but the guy has an exhaustive collection of knitwear in a wide variety of colours (which I approve of), ranging from black and green to a purple hoodie. Also I’ve seen the guy outside of the tennis scenario and some of his clothes are quite out there — especially the mustard down jacket he wears — although this could just be a guy with a good dress sense, who is metrosexual.

However, he is really clean and well-groomed. I mean most other men on campus are not up to his level (even the other gay guy at tennis is scruffy, only the guy I like looks perfect on the courts). He never looks phased, he is always smart, clean, tidy and polite. Not many straight guys are like that, trust me.

The question now is. . . where do I go from here? I know that the crush is not going to subside in the short to medium term, the signs that there is something up with him keep appearing (although I fear that I’m seeing things that I just want to see). Should I just sit it out and hope my feelings go away or should I at least talk to him about it, be honest and hope that he takes it in a good way and is supportive of me.

I don’t want to risk losing something that could be a pretty good friendship, how often do you find a friend that shares your favourite hobby and is actually really good at it. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to not say anything and live to regret not making my emotions and feelings for him clear to his face.

At least if I let it out to him, I can finally move on.

To The Guy I Keep Seeing But I Know I Don't Like

If you’ve been reading my blog since the beginning, you might remember the post To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of, who was a guy I went on a date with, who seemed nice but there just was not a connection. Well anyway, about a month or so after this date, I somehow got back into contact with this guy, this was during my nadir when I was falling for someone else. We spoke, he listened, he was really nice to me about everything that was going on.

He invited me over to his place, I accepted, but I didn’t know why I accepted. Anyway, me and him ended up getting intimate and to be honest, it was a really fun experience. We spoke, he listened, I got emotional about a guy I liked — which makes me sound utterly terrible, i’m hooking up with a really good guy and i’m too busy talking about someone else. Anyway in the month or so since we reconnected, I have seen him on quite a few occasions, both in a sexual and non-sexual context.

However, there is one big problem. He messaged me saying “i’m growing fond of you”, I mean it was nice that he saw me in that way, but I don’t like him in that way back and I will likely never like him in that way. I have never been in a predicament like this before, I mean i’m completely selfish and dismissive — a perfectly nice man appears, but I don’t want him.

Anyway, i’m going to carry on being a bad person for the time being, i’m going to see him again. However, I think I will tell him that it’s not going to progress beyond the realms of friendship with some fun included, if he wants it to be like that. I’m still in love with someone else and before I can get closure on that front, I won’t be able to move out of stationary.

Short post, I know. But there’s relatively little to say, barring that there is a good guy, but I want someone else instead that I know I can never have.

To The Guy Who Gave Me Crabs

New Year is a time for reflection for what has been and gone in the past year and what you hope and expect from the year ahead. One of the worst encounters, okay the worst encounter, i’ve had this year was with the guy who gave me crabs, which are known officially as pubic lice.

I hesitated over whether or not to actually write this post, I mean it is embarrassing to admit that this has happened to you. So it was around Easter time and I hadn’t been with anyone for a few months, so I used a hook-up app and found this guy from university. He was a really good looking guy, plus he was a medical student so he was reasonably smart (well I thought he was).

We met at his place, which was on campus, and we got straight into the action. To be honest he was pretty good in bed and things proceeded as normal. Afterwards, I used his bathroom to clean myself up. As I came out of the bathroom, he was using his phone, which kind of pissed me off a bit, but at the time I didn’t think anything of it and just left. Even worse was that I had to literally tip-toe out of his place, as his roommates did not know he was gay.

It was a really hot day and I remember being so hot, I looked at my phone as I was walking away and noticed that he had blocked me on the app. It was a negative review for me, but I would get over it.

About two days after I had hooked-up with this guy, I started to itch, around my pubic hair. It was annoying, but I thought it might have been caused by sweat. It carried on and after a couple of days I went to see the doctor about it. The doctor told me that there was nothing there, even after I said about having sexual contact reasonably. So I decided to then go to the sexual health clinic, in which I was told that it was pubic lice (crabs) and I was given a cream.

After using the cream for a few days, it went. But there was a bigger problem, I had to contact this guy to tell him that he was the one that had given me crabs. I mean I had not been with anyone else, so it had to be him. . . but I couldn’t contact him, because he had blocked me.

It was a few months after this incident that I found him again on the app. I contacted him, telling him that he had given me crabs and that he should tell other sexual partners. He denied that it was him and blamed it on his roommates dirty bedsheets, I mean it was an utterly pathetic excuse. I know its not a nice topic, but own it, for god’s sake you gave me a sexual condition and you cannot even take responsibility for it.

After telling him time after time, he eventually admitted it was his fault. I mean, I didn’t want to make him feel bad, however it is important that he let know other sexual partners to ensure others do not suffer from crabs.

Finally, when you have sexual partners remember that a condom nor medication like PrEP can prevent the spreading of pubic lice, so just make sure to check yourself and be honest with your sexual partner(s).

To The Guy Who Gave Me Crabs I regret ever meeting you, not because of what you gave me (even though that was bad and humiliating), but because of your rude attitude and arrogant demeanour. If you treat other men like this, expect to be miserable and alone for at least the short to medium term.

To The Guy Who Was Nice and Nothing Else

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Dating is hard. Regardless of your sexuality, it is a difficult thing to do, to meet someone for the first time and well hopefully build up a bond. When I first started discovering who I was sexually, I was interested in dating at all, I mean my intention was to go out there and just have as much fun as possible. That subsequently led to quite a lot of sexual encounters that had no romantic or non-sexual aspects to them.

After a while though, things changed quite drastically. I realised that I didn’t want to keep feeling that emptiness you get when you hook-up with someone. You know that dirty feeling you get afterwards when you feel guilty and then its worse if you actually like the guy and he doesn’t want to “hook-up” again.

Having that feeling again and again is dreadful and this is what made me decide to start dating guys, rather than just having sex. One of the guys I went on a date with was over the last summer. We had been chatting through an app for a while and had bumped into each other on campus as well. We agreed to meet-up for coffee, the most generic date idea of them all.

It was a really wet day and it was quite a walk for me to get to where we were meeting, however I had a good feeling about this date, so I didn’t mind in the slightest. I got to the coffee shop and I could see him walking down the road in the distance. We hugged and made brief smalltalk. We sat down and started talking even more, he was a nice guy — you could tell he came from a good background, he was smart, quite sweet and was well-dressed, I mean that is typically what I go for, but I knew that there was something missing, but I could not tell what it was.

We carried on talking for an hour or so, I mean I didn’t want to look rude or anything. We both knew a few of the same people, which is a consequence of going on a date with someone who goes to the same University as you. He seemed quite interested in me, but I was not the best at telling these things.

After the date had ended, we hugged again and went our separate ways. I couldn’t fault the guy for the quality of the date, but I just knew I did not want to see him again. It made me feel overly picky and like a bad person, I mean there was a pretty decent guy in front of me, someone who was an all-round good person, yet I didn’t want to take it any further. What was wrong with me?

Then it dawned on me, there was no spark at all. I mean if this guy were in my class, i’m confident we would probably be friends, but there was no sexual attraction on my part towards him and nothing that made me go “wow”. He was nice, but there was little more to him for me.

To The Guy Who Was Nice and Nothing Else, I say sorry for being a bit of a jerk when you tried to contact me afterwards. I should’ve have just been honest, instead of trying to play it cool. I’ve seen the guy around since and we both awkwardly try to avoid one another, I mean he’s not someone I think about really at all. But still, I wish I were not such a bad person with men, it is my biggest fault. But i’m confident that i’ll find a nice guy soon enough who will be nice, and who will also have a spark.

To The Guy Who Was Also A Bottom

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One of the things I envy most about straight people is how broad their dating pool is. Not only is there less gay people, estimated to be about 10% of the population, but we also have the top/bottom issue. If you’re not familiar with this terminology, without trying to sound crude, some guys prefer to do the penetrating during anal sex, while others would rather just receive it, as well as those lucky ones out there who are versatile, meaning they do both.

About 18 months or so ago, I was looking for a hookup when this really stunning guy appeared on that infamous app. He was absolutely stunning, both visually and emotionally. At the time he was doing the exact same MA that I am now doing, he was smart, had a really cool ‘international school’ accent — you know the type that sounds quasi-American — which was complemented by him having an amazing smile and a beautiful face, seriously he is one of the most attractive people I have ever seen.

Anyway we agreed to meet-up at where he was based, which was his student accommodation. As it was during the Summer break, it meant that campus was far quieter than normal, which was actually really nice. He told me where to meet him and I could see him waving from his window, one hand pointed at me, the other clutching onto a cigarette (I suppose no one can be 100% perfect). We spent ages chatting to one another, bonding over a shared interest in current affairs, he spoke about where he came from and why he had decided to come to the UK, as well as what his career prospects were. I promise that I don’t always sound like a job interviewer.

After a while, he implied that we should have “some fun”, we went to go ahead with it, when it dawned on me that both of us were bottoms. This made things incredibly awkward as it meant that we couldn’t have full-on sex, which at the time, I was absolutely gagging for. However, luckily enough, we could do other things which were still pretty fun.

However, this encounter, has made me think about how hard it is for gay men in general. Not only do we have a far smaller amount of men that we can date, but even within the gay community we are not sexuality compatible with every guy, making it even harder — I know I shouldn’t complain.

Unfortunately, I have since lost contact with this guy and even though we only met a handful of times, partly because he was leaving the country a couple of months after we first met, we built a unique bond. It was great to meet someone who was deeply intellectual, yet charming and funny also. This was complimented by him liking my innocent demeanour, my “British accent” (I don’t think I really have much of one) and the fact I was the only person in the UK he had met who pronounced his name right.

To The Guy Who Was Also A Bottom I say that I really am sorry for the both of us in that we could not have been more sexually compatible, I mean I know nothing serious would have ever come of it, but if I look back and think about guys I regret not being more intimate with, he is definitely top of the list — what is even worse in this case is that I have since discovered that I sometimes have the urge to top. Alas, I did not know it then.

To The Guy In Lycra

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At University, one of the extracurriculars I take part in is Badminton. The guys there are okay(ish), I suppose. However, there is one guy who I really find hot, even if I don’t find him attractive as an actual person. He rarely smiles, but he is suave in the way he dresses and the way he acts and I think deep down he knows he really is hot.

Anyway, he’s not someone I think about in the way of other guys i’ve lusted over, however I still get nervous if we both end up playing in the same match. Before I proceed any further, I have to clarify that he is straight — its pretty obvious as he always flirts with this same girl.

One day at Badminton, I was sitting on the bench, changing into my casual shoes as I do. I was deep in thought about something (I don’t recall what) and I could see a shadow of someone in front of me. I quickly tied my laces and looked up. . . what I saw was one of the greatest things ever.

It was that hot guy in full cycling gear, I mean a lycra top and tight lycra shorts, he’s bulge was well deeply impressive, I did not expect him to be that endowed if I am wholly honest with you. Anyway, it’s nothing meaningful, it was just a pleasant surprise.

I’ve since spoken to this guy in a non-Badminton setting, he’s a decent guy, even if he is a bit of a bore in terms of conversation. However, I will always approve of him wearing lycra clothing, even if its just to let me mind wander for a little while.

I know this is an unorthodox post for this blog, I mean there is nothing much to it barring the fact that a hot guy was wearing cycling clothing, however it made a difference for me to feel a slight bit of lust over someone I know, rather than being bogged down heavy in emotions, dates and relationships. It’s a bit of harmless fun and that day was a respite from a couple of months that have been quite heavy on me to be honest.

To The Guy Who Couldn't Look Me In The Eye

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Earlier this year, I briefly dated a guy. He was over 6 foot tall, really skinny, but really sweet at the time. We had been chatting for a while on an app, and we worked out that both of us had a class that ended at the same time. So one day after that class we met up and went for coffee. He was really nice, a good sense of humour, smart (he was a law student) and was a good listener, what wasn’t there to like?

To be honest, at the time, I liked him quite a bit. It was the first guy I had been on a date with for quite a few months. I like the fact that he was actually pretty intelligent, something that seems to be rare in the guys that I have thus far dated. After the day, we hugged and agreed to meet-up again.

It was a good three to four weeks before we saw one another again, as we both had exams and essays to do. We had planned to go for coffee again (I know, I should’ve thought of something more interesting and different), however everywhere was so busy. So he was like “do you want to come back to mine?”, I accepted and we proceeded to walk to his place.

We carried on talking and I realised why I liked him in the first place, he was still really smart but had a slight sassy attitude, with a sarcastic undertone, which I really found funny. We hung out at his place for a while, drank coffee and he showed me his art collection.

However, things went badly very quickly. After a while, we started making out, which was fun, I must admit. But then he said “Can I fuck you?” Never had anyone asked me that so directly, I was flustered and unsure of what to do. I replied “No, i’m sorry”. His face changed instantly and soon after that I left his place.

Later on, I found out that he had blocked me on all forms of social media. I know I rejected that advance, but by no means did it mean I was not interested. When I like someone, I want to get to know them a lot more before we actually go down that road, if I was just looking for a hook-up, I probably would’ve accepted, but I knew that in this case that was not what I was looking for.

In the months since, i’ve seen him around campus a few times. One time, we both literally bumped into one another. I politely moved out of the way and smiled, he kept his head down — he could not bring himself to look me directly in the face. I find that kind of sad.

I get that he was embarrassed that I said no to him, however the way in which he reacted afterwards made me see a different side of him that I didn’t like.

To The Guy Who Couldn’t Look Me In The Eye I say, its a real shame that you were so dismissive so quickly in my response. If you had taken the time to understand why I said no to you, we might have lasted and it could’ve been something more meaningful (which you initially said you wanted). I don’t think of this that often, but the way I reacted was definitely a turning point for me, I realised that I could reject sex and learnt that I wanted more from a man that his penis.