To The First Guy

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One thing that all of us will remember is the first person we were ever intimate with, whether it was through a romantic relationship or just a random hook-up or one night stand, its something that is hard to erase and defines the route your sex life goes in.

My first time was about halfway through my first year as an undergraduate student, I had finally discovered more of who I was as a person, I had finally built up the courage to start talking to men. I decided to join that infamous app that is popular within the Gay community for ‘hookups’. I had been on the app for a couple of weeks, I spoke to a few men, but nothing ever emerged out of it, until one day I got a message from a really attractive guy. He was an Arab/Italian mix, he was about 5ft 11 and had a very slander frame. His photo was nice, he was smiling, well-dressed and looked friendly.

Much to my surprise, the chat intensified very quickly, he suggested that we meet-up only after one day of talking — normally, I wouldn’t rush into something like this, however I knew that he was real as I had seen him around campus before and thought he was really cute. I met at his place, which was about a 25 minute walk from where I live, I remember the day vividly as the rain was torrential and I got absolutely soaked.

I arrived at his place, but there was a problem with his intercom. He greeted me at the door and there was a really awkward exchange of words — it was evident that both of us were extremely nervous and this was not in our typical character. He took me up the stairs to his flat and we sat on his sofa and started talking for a while. He was a really nice person, quite socially awkward (just like me), but there was little awkwardness when we started talking.

We spoke about all kinds of things ranging from current affairs to our university courses, to his flatmate who wouldn’t let him have a study desk of his own — which I still find incredibly odd to this day. After we had been talking for a while, he suggested we went to his room, I nervously accepted. We sat on his bed and carried on talking, then I took off my shoes and tried to ease up a bit.

He then encouraged me to carry on getting undressed, which I did in an incredibly nervous manner, he started to get undressed as well. We snuggled under his quilt for quite a few hours, it was really nice — especially since I was cold and wet by getting caught in the bad weather, plus it was January meaning it was genuinely freezing outside. He was the big spoon, I was the little spoon — which made sense as I was shorter than he was. This carried on for sometime, we made out quite a bit, had some sensual stroking of one another, it was really nice. There was relatively little actual sensual contact.

Overall, it was a really nice experience. It eased me into what it would be like to be with other men, something up until this point I had little experience with. While at the same time, making me more confident in who I was as a person and confident in my body.

To The First Guy I say thank you for making the experience of being with a guy so good, yes I know you can’t fully count it as the ‘first time’ as there was no penetrative sex. But i’m classing it as my ‘first time’, it is the thing I will always remember if i’m asked about my first experience with someone else of the same-sex — It will be etched on my mind forever and I am thankful that it was a positive experience, rather than some of the horror stories you hear from other guys.

To The Guy I Went On A Date With Who Didn't Like Me Back

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Dating is a daunting prospect for anyone. In this case, it was this really attractive Italian guy, there was a bit of an age gap between us, at the time I was 21 and he was 30. However, that didn’t seem to be a problem for either of us. It took us quite a while to actually get around to meeting-up due to him having a turbulent work schedule, as well as the fact I was writing my university thesis at the time.

We agreed to meet for coffee and go for a walk around the park that was nearby. The conversation flowed pretty well, from what I was gathering, he spoke about his past life in Italy, his work, his hobbies and passions. He was a really nice guy. I spoke about myself too and it seemed that we were both looking for the same thing.

The date came to a natural end when it started to rain pretty heavily, this was not helped by the fact I was just wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. We hugged and went our own ways. For the hours that followed, I knew that I wanted to see him again. I mean it was very rare for me to go on a date with someone I genuinely wanted to get to know, plus this was one of the first proper dates I had been on since I split up with an ex.

I contacted him to see about meeting up with him again, however I was met with the response that even know I was a nice guy, he didn’t want to see me again. This was a first for me, i’d never met-up with anyone who I wanted to see again that didn’t want to see me. It’s an odd feeling, however I was happy that he did it in a respectful way, rather than ‘ghosting’ me which is now a common feature of dating.

To The Guy I Went On A Date With Who Didn’t Like Me Back I say thank you for honesty, however I wish we could have seen each other again, I genuinely did see it leading to something more meaningful.

To The App That Has Made Me A Terrible Person

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If you’re a gay, or bi, male of a certain age, then you’ve probably used (or at least heard of) Grindr. The place where hope goes to die. Even though my blog is primarily about discussing the impact that men have had on me over recent years, I felt the need to discuss the app that has made me a terrible person.

Most people who sign up to Grindr, such as myself, are mainly looking for fun — but there is also room to look for dates etc. When I first joint the app as a curious 19 year old, I was optimistic and polite to guys who contacted me. If I was not interested in a guy, I would simply reply “Hey, thanks for the message, but you’re not really my type. Sorry, but good luck” or something along those lines. At the end of the day, we’re all similar, we’re all gay or bi and looking for something, I felt it was important to be polite to other gays, we’ve all been through the collective struggle of being oppressed, abused and treated liked crap, so why do we treat one another so badly?

After being on the app for a while, I started to fall into the trap. I started to be mean to guys, without really realising it. If a guy contacted me, who I was not interested in, I would simply block him, or even worst, simply ignore him and hope he went away. Sometimes I would even be a tease — that makes me sound utterly terrible.

At the time, I was not away that this was even going on. . . but since leaving the app and reflecting on the way I acted while I was on Grindr, I realise that it contributed in making me such a bad and mean person, something I loathe in myself to this day.

I know its naive, and false, to solely blame a single app on a behavioural change, but the access that Grindr gives someone, a nervous confused teenager (which I was at the time), allowed me to treat other gay men as if they were disposable people without any feelings at all. It is far different to other dating apps in the market, such as Tinder, in that you can contact anyone within a certain radius of where you are — and you can contact them time after time, as opposed to the ‘matching’ mechanism that is dominant on other apps.

Don’t get me wrong, I did have some success while on Grindr. I had some pretty good hookups, made one or two other gay friends (that have been really helpful recently), as well as going on a date, occasionally. But overall, it is a cesspit for the meanest and darkest sides of human behaviour.

If you look at trolling and cyber bullying, its classic that people say things to other people that you would not say in real life, the power of a phone or laptop protects you from face to face contact. The same can be said for Grindr, when you look at the photos of guys, they don’t feel real at first, they don’t feel like people who actually have emotions and feelings. . . when in reality they obviously do.

Nothing can be done to change this, its the way that modern technology has progressed. However, To The App That Has Made Me A Terrible Person I have nothing to say, other than that I feel much happier now that i’m not using Grindr. I also say to people who are on Grindr, and those within the gay community as a whole, let’s be kinder to one another. We’re not all going to get along all of the time, but if we just start acting terribly to one another. . . what are we really achieving?

P.S. — I’ll probably be back on Grindr by next week. It always happens.

To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With

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The original concept for this blog was that each post would be about a different guy who impacted me in a different way. Whether it be lustful, a crush, a relationship, someone I dated or someone I just hooked up with. However, less than a week into this blog, i’ve already ruined the concept. This post is the second post about a guy, he previously featured in To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him. As it something that is ongoing with me, I felt the need to write more about him. This post is To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With.

When does a crush, stop being a crush? It’s a question i’ve been pondering over for recently. Normally, it’s when the crush subsides and the feelings you have fade away, but what if the feelings grow even further than they did before. Is it love? Over recent years i’ve been with quite a few men, whether it be for a one-off hookup, dates or even something a bit more with one or two of them. However, the emotions I am currently feeling about someone are unlike those I have ever felt before, i’ve never felt so strongly about someone.

When i’m with this guy, or know i’m going to see him that day, i’m smiling literally all of the time. I can’t stop it, it’s something that just compels me. Seeing him makes me feel so good, talking to him lights me up so much. I could listen to him non-stop for hour upon hour. When I think about him, its never in a overly sexual context, it in a more romantic one, the fantasies are never about sex, but rather about holding hands, having in-depth meaningful discussions and being there to care for him when he is sad.

After i’ve finished talking to him, I still think about him. I wonder what he is doing with the rest of his day, I think about when i’m going to see him next, then I am sad. As I know this will be the longest time before I get to see him again, then that ruins the rest of the day. I wish I could spend more time with him and be with him in that way, I doubt that would ever happen though.

What makes this ‘crush’ different from anything i’ve ever felt before is that i’ve actually cried about it, and I don’t typically get upset about guys. I got outed as gay at high school and had an ex who literally left the country and in both circumstances, I was sad of course, but never did I let out a tear, however with this guy, i’ve been upset on multiple occasions. This had made me realise that it is more than lust, it is more than just liking someone, it is me loving a guy properly for the very first time.

I know I will have to tell him how I feel soon and I know that it could, and likely will, go terribly wrong. But deep down I know that if I don’t tell him, I will always regret not knowing how he reacts. To The Guy I Have Fallen in Love With, I have no other words to say, I really do think the world of you.

To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of

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About a month or so ago, I went on a really good date with an incredibly nice guy. An anomaly of the dating pool that I have seen thus far. We agreed to meet for coffee one day after my class, it was a really good date — he was a great conversationalist, consistently made eye contact with me, he smiled throughout the whole date and was slightly flirty (but in a classy way). He was incredibly attractive, an Arab/Hispanic mix, who had these stunning brown eyes and a perfect facial complexion that was accompanied by a stunning smile, the type of guy that visually and emotionally I typically go for. However, something was missing. . .

Only like ten minutes after the date had ended, I received a message from him saying that he wanted us to meet-up again. It was rare that I get to the second date stage, if I am wholly honest, and I immediately accepted as I thought I wanted to see him again and hopefully see this develop into something more meaningful and long-term.

I started to do one of the most dangerous things you can do in dating and relationships which is overthink. I started to analyse every aspect of this guy, from his hobbies (which included kickboxing and amateur-dramatics) to his long-term career goals. There was genuinely nothing wrong with him at all. . . but I just couldn’t bring myself to go on another date with him.

A few days after this, I heard from him again, he was hoping to plan the next date, however I came up with some bullshit excuse to avoid it in the short-term, I just couldn’t make up my mind on what I wanted. I know I overthink a lot, I mean at the end of the day, it was only going to be a non-formal date. . . what could possibly go wrong?

Then I realised what was wrong. . . I liked the idea of this guy, more than I actually liked him. I know that’s something that is commonly heard and since I had been single for about eleven months when I met him, I think there was a natural urge by me to try and find something meaningful again. I feel like a terrible person for brushing him off in the way I did, when he asked again about a second date, I acted as if all I wanted was a hookup (as I knew that he would not like that). . . which he subsequently didn’t.

To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of, I firstly say sorry (I have the habit of apologising, it seems) for messing you about in the way I did. I’m honestly going through a turbulent time in relation to sex and relationships in that i’m having a crisis of not knowing who or what I want and when I want it. In this scenario I was a complete ass-hole and all I can do now is try and learn from this mistake and put this experience to good use in the future.

To The Exchange Student Who Had A Lasting Impact

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One of the joys of being a student is that you get to meet people from all kinds of places and one of these people had a lasting impact on me. When I was in my third year as a undergrad, I matched with an exchange student on a certain gay-dating app (that infamous one with the Black and Yellow logo).

Me and him starting chatting on the app and instantly hit it off. After a few days, he suggested that we meet-up and hang out. I wanted to play it cool, but I immediately accepted — I mean he was stunning — tall, toned, all-round handsome. My only concern was that he was expecting it to be a hook-up. I’ve been in that situation before — when you meet a guy for what you think is a date, but it turns out all he wants is sex. With this guy, it was very different to anything I had experienced before.

I met him pretty close to where his student accommodation was for the term, mainly because he didn’t know his way around the city yet. We walked around and chatted for a while, he even asked me to help him pick out a plant pot (he was pretty obsessed with plants) and we bonded over that. He then invited me back to his, there was a thousand thoughts going through my head — I was asking myself all kinds of questions — the most persistent of which being “does he just want sex?”

When I was at his place, we carried on talking and talking. Hours passed without me realising, we spoke about everything from what he wore at halloween to how to tackle climate change. The short version of this is that he wasn’t looking for a ‘hookup’, which actually made me like him even more.

Sadly, he was only in the country for three months. However, they were an amazing three months. It made me realise that I could actually find a guy emotionally attractive and that I could genuinely have a guy that was way more attractive than I am be interested in me, for real.

To The Exchange Student Who Had A Lasting Impact I firstly say thank you for being a guy in the area who isn’t just looking for a hookup and wanted to actually build a connection (we still stay in contact, even though a year has passed), but at the same time, I find it frustrating that the only guy i’ve been serious with for such a long time was only in the country for three months and went back home, why do exchange students have to go back home!? — it’s so annoying. If you’re familiar with the city in the illustration, you will likely know where he is from (and if you’re not, you can just click the link underneath the image and find out where it is).

I’ve since moved on from this guy. However, I will always remember how great those months were. . . however short it was.

To The Straight Guy Who Doesn't Know I Like Him

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One of the most difficult things about being gay is that the pool of people you can date is smaller and one thing that straight guys do not usually understand is that even if you meet a nice guy, there’s a chance both of you are going to be tops or both bottoms, making you sexually incompatible. The worst feeling is when you fall for a straight guy and this is currently what is happening to me.

It all started when I started at a new university, I was finding a way of socialising with more people, so I decided to take up tennis again. I was on my way to the courts, unaware of which way to go, when this guy who was also going to play stopped and started chatting to me. I’m a naturally nervous, and slightly socially awkward, guy so this made me more assured. We started chatting and it turned out that we both knew some of the same people, we carried on talking for some time.

After we had finished playing tennis, we both walked the same way and carried on talking again. I revealed in a roundabout way that I was gay, which was responded with “I have a girlfriend”. That response didn’t shock me, i’ve heard it all before. But it made me feel like “ugh, not again. Another hot, caring guy who’s straight”.

Honestly, I thought it was a bit of lust, like i’ve had with many other guys in the past. However, week after week, I kept seeing this guy and talking to him. The more I spoke to him, the more I liked him. I have not had this feeling for so long, after i’ve spoken to him, I still feel something — he’s really unique, but in a beautiful way. I really don’t know what to do or how to tackle this. I’ve been in a similar predicament before and totally ruined it by letting my feelings known. I really don’t want to ruin something that could end up being a pretty good friendship.

My biggest problem is that I cannot get this guy off my mind. He’s the first thing I think about in the morning, he’s the last thing I think about at night. I’ve told my friends about this guy. He’s slightly taller than I am, he’s the same body build as I am, he has a smile that is both handsome and adorable and he wears these cute tortoise shell glasses. Every-time I see him and talk to him, I can’t help but smile, I feel so good when in his company.

My message To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him is firstly, i’m sorry for feeling like this, I can’t help it and I wish it would go away and solely be platonic, but as it currently stands I can’t see that happening. I really wish I knew how to diffuse this situation, but I have no way of doing this.

Should I tell him? Should I just wait and see if it subsides over time?, I don’t know what to do. Am I deluded enough to think that the whole “I have a girlfriend” response was a defence mechanism, am I completely crazy? As it currently stands, i’m not going to tell him and i’m not going to act on it — i’m enjoying feeling so good about a guy (something that hasn’t happened for such a long time), i’m just going to go with the flow for a while, at least that way no one will get hurt in the process.

The person I envy most in this process is this guy’s girlfriend, she really does have it good.