To The Guy I Let Down

When I started dating properly, I always promised myself I wouldn’t go down the road of stereotypes associated frequently with gay men, that are perceived to be bad — primarily being promiscuous and treating men as if they’re disposable (there is a whole debate over whether these stereotypes are fair and this post isn’t about that). However, I fell into that trap, i’ve started to treat men terrible and the only person who can be blamed is me.

This post is about the guy I let down really badly. It was back in February when I first met this guy, he was also a postgraduate student at the university I was attending. We matched through an app, not the infamous one, and he was actually my first match on that app. Within a week we had met and we got along really well, I was honest about the fact that at the time I was in love with that straight guy who has appeared in many of my post. He understood that and was really kind about the whole situation.

The next week, I met up with him again and we really connected through our conversation. Honestly, he wouldn’t be the type I normally went for, however at the time I was in such a dark place that any form of attention was really appreciated. We were going to meet the week after again, but then the Covid-19 pandemic hit in the UK and well things went into a dire state. During the lockdown, me and him spoke through messaging for much of it — for hours at a time. I really got to know him well during this time and me him — it was also more difficult as he had been repatriated back to his hometown, which was not in the UK.

When he came back to the UK after a few months, he firstly had to isolate and then after a fortnight, he was free to meet-up again. We met and got on really well, I must be honest, it was quite nerve-racking that first time post-lockdown, as so many months had passed — but after a little while, things were back to normal. We kept meeting up, week after week and things were good. After seeing him a few times post-lockdown, I was honest with him that I had been on a date with another man, he understood and agreed that neither of us were exclusive and that he was going to be leaving the UK in the autumn anyway.

A few weeks after that date with another man, I once again went on a date with someone else. However, this date went really well, I mean really well (there will be a separate post about it at some point) and that evening, the guy I had been seeing since February had gone. I let him go through the medium of WhatsApp. I hate myself for letting him down in this way, I thought the grass was greener and I was wrong. I lost this guy as my friend and that is what has hurt the most.

I wish I had just been more honest with him from the start, and regret not being like that. To the guy I let down badly, I am really sorry for everything I did, not only the way in which I let you down but the way in which I dragged you along unnecessarily, you were a safe place for me to land during some tough times and I used you — I hate myself for that. I really hope that me and him can one day salvage some sort of friendship, because he is probably one of the people I trust and admire most out there.

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