This is going to be hard to type. Sometimes someone enters your life and they have a lasting impact, whether they are aware of it or not, and it’s the starting point for a new trajectory that follows and stays with you over time. This post is about that guy, my first ever proper crush. The Guy Who Made This Happen.
When I say The Guy Who Made This Happen I mean it in the literal sense as he was the one behind the inspiration for this blog, but also because he is the person who shaped me into who I am today, which in part I like, but at the same time I hate the fact that a single person has shaped and defined me so much. However, after many years of keeping it to myself, I finally feel ready to tell the story about this guy. For the purposes of this post, the guy will be referred to as Taboo, this is because its a way of concealing his identity, as well as it being the nickname I gave him when I had my crush.
It all started when I was a fifteen year old, I was in my final year of school and was confused about my sexuality and who I was. This had been going on for about a year or two at the time, however it had finally started to materialise. I was going about my normal day to day routine and it was just a normal Wednesday when I had English first period. The class that day consisted of us rewatching a film of the book we had been reading in preparation for our exam later that year.
I was instantly bored, I mean we had already watched the same damn film three times over my time at school and I was not going to get anything else out of it. My eyes started to wonder around the room, one of my favourite things to do is people watch. Around me I saw people starring at their phones, starring at themselves in their phones, as well as those, like myself, who were just starring into space — probably in despair of having to rewatch this film.
However, there was something very different this time. Someone caught my eye in a way that someone of the same gender had never done before. . . I could feel myself starting to develop feelings for this boy in my class. A new side of him appeared, a side I really liked. The way I felt about this guy manifested over the coming months and it become stronger. At first, I just thought this was going to be something that lasted only a couple of days, however it grew stronger and stronger, beyond what I ever thought it could have.
I started feeling something for this guy in the October of that year, by January I could not keep this news to myself, I had to find a way of letting it out to someone. By the end of January, I had told one of my closest friends about how I felt about Taboo. The response from my friend was not negative, but at the same time it was not overly positive either. At that point, I realised that I was starting to lose control of the situation.
I had to find a way of taking back control of the situation and letting the news come out on my own terms, rather than letting it be heard through a third party. By coincidence, one of the people who I had revealed the news to was going to be tutoring Taboo that weekend. I had a lightbulb moment when I asked my friend to reveal to Taboo that I was into guys, rather than women — without revealing that I had a crush on him. My friend instantly accepted and I started to get the confidence that I previously had back, I finally felt more in control. However, this did not last for long.
The next week Taboo came up to me and started talking, he had found out that I was sexually into guys, he was really friendly and supportive. However, my friend had revealed to him that I had a crush on another guy in my year and he started to quiz me on it. I regret not just saying at the time that I had a crush on him, at least it would’ve come straight from the horses mouth, however I just played it cool and successfully deflected the conversation onto another topic. After the conversation with Taboo I actually felt very confident, he was really positive about my sexuality and he dealt with it in a way that was better than I could have ever imagined.
The next morning. . . everything changed. I was waiting outside my class like normal, when Taboo walked past, he briefly spoke and gave me that smile that instantly made me feel so good. This crush had become so intense and I honestly had no clue where it was going to lead. I carried on with my day normally, however I overheard a conversation in my first class, the cat was out of the bag. . . everyone knew that I liked Taboo.
I was panicking, I was confused, I had no clue on what to do next or how to react. I did not show any emotion and just carried on with my day normally. On the way to my next class, I walked a different route, I did this as normally I passed Taboo on the way and I didn’t know how he was going to react. As I was walking, I had abuse hurled at me — the classic homophobic tripe of “faggot”, “bum-boy” — you get my drift. I carried on, like normal, I knew everyone was talking about me, but I just tried to block it out and get through my day.
In the days that followed, every time I saw Taboo he went the other way, when we were both in the same class, he moved further away from where I was sitting (which didn’t help when literally everyone else in the class was looking at what was going on). Some of his friends said cruel things, but overall things weren’t overly bad for me. The aspect that hurt me the most was that he didn’t even seem to react, he didn’t say a word to me.
Even in the years that have since passed, Taboo never spoke to me again, I can’t blame him, my crush did not just impact me, it impacted him as well and I will always respect the fact he never directly said anything mean or cruel to me.
There are two things I would want to say to my first ever same-sex crush, the first is sorry. I’m sorry for involving you in all of this, I regret it so much. The other thing I would say to him, if I got the chance, is thank you. Thank you for being the first guy I ever had a crush on, thank you for being the person who made me feel good for so long. Thank you for just being you.
Even though the crush subsided as time went on, this guy is always going to be a part of me, he shaped who I became in the years that followed and I know that if it was not for that crush, I would not be the person I am today. Although this took place many years ago, I felt the need to finally let it out in a different forum. Even if no one else reads this, I feel like I can finally let go of that chapter in my life.