To The Guy I Let Down

When I started dating properly, I always promised myself I wouldn’t go down the road of stereotypes associated frequently with gay men, that are perceived to be bad — primarily being promiscuous and treating men as if they’re disposable (there is a whole debate over whether these stereotypes are fair and this post isn’t about that). However, I fell into that trap, i’ve started to treat men terrible and the only person who can be blamed is me.

This post is about the guy I let down really badly. It was back in February when I first met this guy, he was also a postgraduate student at the university I was attending. We matched through an app, not the infamous one, and he was actually my first match on that app. Within a week we had met and we got along really well, I was honest about the fact that at the time I was in love with that straight guy who has appeared in many of my post. He understood that and was really kind about the whole situation.

The next week, I met up with him again and we really connected through our conversation. Honestly, he wouldn’t be the type I normally went for, however at the time I was in such a dark place that any form of attention was really appreciated. We were going to meet the week after again, but then the Covid-19 pandemic hit in the UK and well things went into a dire state. During the lockdown, me and him spoke through messaging for much of it — for hours at a time. I really got to know him well during this time and me him — it was also more difficult as he had been repatriated back to his hometown, which was not in the UK.

When he came back to the UK after a few months, he firstly had to isolate and then after a fortnight, he was free to meet-up again. We met and got on really well, I must be honest, it was quite nerve-racking that first time post-lockdown, as so many months had passed — but after a little while, things were back to normal. We kept meeting up, week after week and things were good. After seeing him a few times post-lockdown, I was honest with him that I had been on a date with another man, he understood and agreed that neither of us were exclusive and that he was going to be leaving the UK in the autumn anyway.

A few weeks after that date with another man, I once again went on a date with someone else. However, this date went really well, I mean really well (there will be a separate post about it at some point) and that evening, the guy I had been seeing since February had gone. I let him go through the medium of WhatsApp. I hate myself for letting him down in this way, I thought the grass was greener and I was wrong. I lost this guy as my friend and that is what has hurt the most.

I wish I had just been more honest with him from the start, and regret not being like that. To the guy I let down badly, I am really sorry for everything I did, not only the way in which I let you down but the way in which I dragged you along unnecessarily, you were a safe place for me to land during some tough times and I used you — I hate myself for that. I really hope that me and him can one day salvage some sort of friendship, because he is probably one of the people I trust and admire most out there.

To The Guy Who Was My First Love

The purpose of this blog is to talk about all of the different men in which I have encountered over recent times, however one guy in particular has occupied much of the time and the posts behind this blog. If you’ve read To The Straight Guy Who Doesn’t Know I Like Him and To The Guy Who I Have Fallen in Love With then you’ll surely know a considerable amount about him by now.

For the last three months, i’ve been plagued by the thought of him. It has made me feel a multitude of emotions from fear, sadness and regret to euphoric joy and happiness. However, ever since I had returned to University from Winter break, I decided that the right thing for me to do was to tell him how I felt. Mainly for my own closure and allow me to move on.

In the weeks since coming back to University, I had not seen him around in any circumstance, which made things tougher and worse. Just over a week ago, I finally saw him, however he was with his girlfriend. Seeing him with her at the time made me feel so terrible and I couldn’t handle what to do next. I still spoke to him though, just not about the fact that I like him. The next day, I saw him again, however he was too far away for me to catch his attention. Once again, I felt melancholic and sad, I was stuck on what to do.

A few days later, I realised that both of us had a mutual friend, so I decided to contact her to say that I needed to talk to this guy about something and that I wanted him to get in touch with me. He subsequently got in touch with me. I messaged him saying that I had something of big importance to tell him, he replied by asking if I could send it to him over message form, which I declined. We eventually got around to arranging a meet, it took place today actually.

We agreed to meet on campus, as both of us had to be there for other commitments. We met in the main square, the square which in fact was the place I once saw him and realised that he was someone I had fallen for. The weather was immensely foggy and as I was standing there, I could see him appearing in the distance. The nerves were occupying me so badly, I quickly glanced at my phone to see the notes I had made to break the news to him.

He approached and I said, “I really need to tell you something, and i’m sorry in advance. I can’t look at you while I say it though”, I then proceeded to tell him that I like him, and explained that he’s had a profound impact on me over recent months. He was the perfect man about the whole situation, he of course said that he was straight, but then went on to say that he was flattered that I was interested in him in the first place and that it would not create any awkwardness. We spoke for a few minutes, I kept apologising to him, in my classic fashion, and felt sick throughout.

I then said thank you to him for being such a great person and proceeded to walk away. I could feel the tears gradually dripping down my face, something I had been able to hold-back throughout our conversation. The odd thing is that even though I had expected to cry, it was not because of the reasons I had expected. I was upset because I was relieved, these were not tears of sadness or regret, these were tears of a newly emancipated guy. I got it off my chest, the guy who had impacted me in a way that no-one has ever done so before — he actually was key to me coming out to my family.

The tears quickly left and what remained was a smile and a gratitude to this guy. Regardless of what happens from now on, I will always remember him as being the first person I loved. Even though he is straight and nothing cannot, and will not, ever come from it. I wouldn’t change the experience of meeting him and I am so lucky that the first person i’ve liked like this is such a wonderful human being.

To The Guy I Keep Seeing But I Know I Don’t Like

If you’ve been reading my blog since the beginning, you might remember the post To The Guy I Liked The Idea Of, who was a guy I went on a date with, who seemed nice but there just was not a connection. Well anyway, about a month or so after this date, I somehow got back into contact with this guy, this was during my nadir when I was falling for someone else. We spoke, he listened, he was really nice to me about everything that was going on.

He invited me over to his place, I accepted, but I didn’t know why I accepted. Anyway, me and him ended up getting intimate and to be honest, it was a really fun experience. We spoke, he listened, I got emotional about a guy I liked — which makes me sound utterly terrible, i’m hooking up with a really good guy and i’m too busy talking about someone else. Anyway in the month or so since we reconnected, I have seen him on quite a few occasions, both in a sexual and non-sexual context.

However, there is one big problem. He messaged me saying “i’m growing fond of you”, I mean it was nice that he saw me in that way, but I don’t like him in that way back and I will likely never like him in that way. I have never been in a predicament like this before, I mean i’m completely selfish and dismissive — a perfectly nice man appears, but I don’t want him.

Anyway, i’m going to carry on being a bad person for the time being, i’m going to see him again. However, I think I will tell him that it’s not going to progress beyond the realms of friendship with some fun included, if he wants it to be like that. I’m still in love with someone else and before I can get closure on that front, I won’t be able to move out of stationary.

Short post, I know. But there’s relatively little to say, barring that there is a good guy, but I want someone else instead that I know I can never have.

To The Guy Who Gave Me Crabs

New Year is a time for reflection for what has been and gone in the past year and what you hope and expect from the year ahead. One of the worst encounters, okay the worst encounter, i’ve had this year was with the guy who gave me crabs, which are known officially as pubic lice.

I hesitated over whether or not to actually write this post, I mean it is embarrassing to admit that this has happened to you. So it was around Easter time and I hadn’t been with anyone for a few months, so I used a hook-up app and found this guy from university. He was a really good looking guy, plus he was a medical student so he was reasonably smart (well I thought he was).

We met at his place, which was on campus, and we got straight into the action. To be honest he was pretty good in bed and things proceeded as normal. Afterwards, I used his bathroom to clean myself up. As I came out of the bathroom, he was using his phone, which kind of pissed me off a bit, but at the time I didn’t think anything of it and just left. Even worse was that I had to literally tip-toe out of his place, as his roommates did not know he was gay.

It was a really hot day and I remember being so hot, I looked at my phone as I was walking away and noticed that he had blocked me on the app. It was a negative review for me, but I would get over it.

About two days after I had hooked-up with this guy, I started to itch, around my pubic hair. It was annoying, but I thought it might have been caused by sweat. It carried on and after a couple of days I went to see the doctor about it. The doctor told me that there was nothing there, even after I said about having sexual contact reasonably. So I decided to then go to the sexual health clinic, in which I was told that it was pubic lice (crabs) and I was given a cream.

After using the cream for a few days, it went. But there was a bigger problem, I had to contact this guy to tell him that he was the one that had given me crabs. I mean I had not been with anyone else, so it had to be him. . . but I couldn’t contact him, because he had blocked me.

It was a few months after this incident that I found him again on the app. I contacted him, telling him that he had given me crabs and that he should tell other sexual partners. He denied that it was him and blamed it on his roommates dirty bedsheets, I mean it was an utterly pathetic excuse. I know its not a nice topic, but own it, for god’s sake you gave me a sexual condition and you cannot even take responsibility for it.

After telling him time after time, he eventually admitted it was his fault. I mean, I didn’t want to make him feel bad, however it is important that he let know other sexual partners to ensure others do not suffer from crabs.

Finally, when you have sexual partners remember that a condom nor medication like PrEP can prevent the spreading of pubic lice, so just make sure to check yourself and be honest with your sexual partner(s).

To The Guy Who Gave Me Crabs I regret ever meeting you, not because of what you gave me (even though that was bad and humiliating), but because of your rude attitude and arrogant demeanour. If you treat other men like this, expect to be miserable and alone for at least the short to medium term.

To The Guy Who Was Nice and Nothing Else

Image Credit

Dating is hard. Regardless of your sexuality, it is a difficult thing to do, to meet someone for the first time and well hopefully build up a bond. When I first started discovering who I was sexually, I was interested in dating at all, I mean my intention was to go out there and just have as much fun as possible. That subsequently led to quite a lot of sexual encounters that had no romantic or non-sexual aspects to them.

After a while though, things changed quite drastically. I realised that I didn’t want to keep feeling that emptiness you get when you hook-up with someone. You know that dirty feeling you get afterwards when you feel guilty and then its worse if you actually like the guy and he doesn’t want to “hook-up” again.

Having that feeling again and again is dreadful and this is what made me decide to start dating guys, rather than just having sex. One of the guys I went on a date with was over the last summer. We had been chatting through an app for a while and had bumped into each other on campus as well. We agreed to meet-up for coffee, the most generic date idea of them all.

It was a really wet day and it was quite a walk for me to get to where we were meeting, however I had a good feeling about this date, so I didn’t mind in the slightest. I got to the coffee shop and I could see him walking down the road in the distance. We hugged and made brief smalltalk. We sat down and started talking even more, he was a nice guy — you could tell he came from a good background, he was smart, quite sweet and was well-dressed, I mean that is typically what I go for, but I knew that there was something missing, but I could not tell what it was.

We carried on talking for an hour or so, I mean I didn’t want to look rude or anything. We both knew a few of the same people, which is a consequence of going on a date with someone who goes to the same University as you. He seemed quite interested in me, but I was not the best at telling these things.

After the date had ended, we hugged again and went our separate ways. I couldn’t fault the guy for the quality of the date, but I just knew I did not want to see him again. It made me feel overly picky and like a bad person, I mean there was a pretty decent guy in front of me, someone who was an all-round good person, yet I didn’t want to take it any further. What was wrong with me?

Then it dawned on me, there was no spark at all. I mean if this guy were in my class, i’m confident we would probably be friends, but there was no sexual attraction on my part towards him and nothing that made me go “wow”. He was nice, but there was little more to him for me.

To The Guy Who Was Nice and Nothing Else, I say sorry for being a bit of a jerk when you tried to contact me afterwards. I should’ve have just been honest, instead of trying to play it cool. I’ve seen the guy around since and we both awkwardly try to avoid one another, I mean he’s not someone I think about really at all. But still, I wish I were not such a bad person with men, it is my biggest fault. But i’m confident that i’ll find a nice guy soon enough who will be nice, and who will also have a spark.

To The Guy Who Was Also A Bottom

Image Credit

One of the things I envy most about straight people is how broad their dating pool is. Not only is there less gay people, estimated to be about 10% of the population, but we also have the top/bottom issue. If you’re not familiar with this terminology, without trying to sound crude, some guys prefer to do the penetrating during anal sex, while others would rather just receive it, as well as those lucky ones out there who are versatile, meaning they do both.

About 18 months or so ago, I was looking for a hookup when this really stunning guy appeared on that infamous app. He was absolutely stunning, both visually and emotionally. At the time he was doing the exact same MA that I am now doing, he was smart, had a really cool ‘international school’ accent — you know the type that sounds quasi-American — which was complemented by him having an amazing smile and a beautiful face, seriously he is one of the most attractive people I have ever seen.

Anyway we agreed to meet-up at where he was based, which was his student accommodation. As it was during the Summer break, it meant that campus was far quieter than normal, which was actually really nice. He told me where to meet him and I could see him waving from his window, one hand pointed at me, the other clutching onto a cigarette (I suppose no one can be 100% perfect). We spent ages chatting to one another, bonding over a shared interest in current affairs, he spoke about where he came from and why he had decided to come to the UK, as well as what his career prospects were. I promise that I don’t always sound like a job interviewer.

After a while, he implied that we should have “some fun”, we went to go ahead with it, when it dawned on me that both of us were bottoms. This made things incredibly awkward as it meant that we couldn’t have full-on sex, which at the time, I was absolutely gagging for. However, luckily enough, we could do other things which were still pretty fun.

However, this encounter, has made me think about how hard it is for gay men in general. Not only do we have a far smaller amount of men that we can date, but even within the gay community we are not sexuality compatible with every guy, making it even harder — I know I shouldn’t complain.

Unfortunately, I have since lost contact with this guy and even though we only met a handful of times, partly because he was leaving the country a couple of months after we first met, we built a unique bond. It was great to meet someone who was deeply intellectual, yet charming and funny also. This was complimented by him liking my innocent demeanour, my “British accent” (I don’t think I really have much of one) and the fact I was the only person in the UK he had met who pronounced his name right.

To The Guy Who Was Also A Bottom I say that I really am sorry for the both of us in that we could not have been more sexually compatible, I mean I know nothing serious would have ever come of it, but if I look back and think about guys I regret not being more intimate with, he is definitely top of the list — what is even worse in this case is that I have since discovered that I sometimes have the urge to top. Alas, I did not know it then.

To The Guy In Lycra

Image Credit

At University, one of the extracurriculars I take part in is Badminton. The guys there are okay(ish), I suppose. However, there is one guy who I really find hot, even if I don’t find him attractive as an actual person. He rarely smiles, but he is suave in the way he dresses and the way he acts and I think deep down he knows he really is hot.

Anyway, he’s not someone I think about in the way of other guys i’ve lusted over, however I still get nervous if we both end up playing in the same match. Before I proceed any further, I have to clarify that he is straight — its pretty obvious as he always flirts with this same girl.

One day at Badminton, I was sitting on the bench, changing into my casual shoes as I do. I was deep in thought about something (I don’t recall what) and I could see a shadow of someone in front of me. I quickly tied my laces and looked up. . . what I saw was one of the greatest things ever.

It was that hot guy in full cycling gear, I mean a lycra top and tight lycra shorts, he’s bulge was well deeply impressive, I did not expect him to be that endowed if I am wholly honest with you. Anyway, it’s nothing meaningful, it was just a pleasant surprise.

I’ve since spoken to this guy in a non-Badminton setting, he’s a decent guy, even if he is a bit of a bore in terms of conversation. However, I will always approve of him wearing lycra clothing, even if its just to let me mind wander for a little while.

I know this is an unorthodox post for this blog, I mean there is nothing much to it barring the fact that a hot guy was wearing cycling clothing, however it made a difference for me to feel a slight bit of lust over someone I know, rather than being bogged down heavy in emotions, dates and relationships. It’s a bit of harmless fun and that day was a respite from a couple of months that have been quite heavy on me to be honest.

To The Guy Who Couldn’t Look Me In The Eye

Image Credit

Earlier this year, I briefly dated a guy. He was over 6 foot tall, really skinny, but really sweet at the time. We had been chatting for a while on an app, and we worked out that both of us had a class that ended at the same time. So one day after that class we met up and went for coffee. He was really nice, a good sense of humour, smart (he was a law student) and was a good listener, what wasn’t there to like?

To be honest, at the time, I liked him quite a bit. It was the first guy I had been on a date with for quite a few months. I like the fact that he was actually pretty intelligent, something that seems to be rare in the guys that I have thus far dated. After the day, we hugged and agreed to meet-up again.

It was a good three to four weeks before we saw one another again, as we both had exams and essays to do. We had planned to go for coffee again (I know, I should’ve thought of something more interesting and different), however everywhere was so busy. So he was like “do you want to come back to mine?”, I accepted and we proceeded to walk to his place.

We carried on talking and I realised why I liked him in the first place, he was still really smart but had a slight sassy attitude, with a sarcastic undertone, which I really found funny. We hung out at his place for a while, drank coffee and he showed me his art collection.

However, things went badly very quickly. After a while, we started making out, which was fun, I must admit. But then he said “Can I fuck you?” Never had anyone asked me that so directly, I was flustered and unsure of what to do. I replied “No, i’m sorry”. His face changed instantly and soon after that I left his place.

Later on, I found out that he had blocked me on all forms of social media. I know I rejected that advance, but by no means did it mean I was not interested. When I like someone, I want to get to know them a lot more before we actually go down that road, if I was just looking for a hook-up, I probably would’ve accepted, but I knew that in this case that was not what I was looking for.

In the months since, i’ve seen him around campus a few times. One time, we both literally bumped into one another. I politely moved out of the way and smiled, he kept his head down — he could not bring himself to look me directly in the face. I find that kind of sad.

I get that he was embarrassed that I said no to him, however the way in which he reacted afterwards made me see a different side of him that I didn’t like.

To The Guy Who Couldn’t Look Me In The Eye I say, its a real shame that you were so dismissive so quickly in my response. If you had taken the time to understand why I said no to you, we might have lasted and it could’ve been something more meaningful (which you initially said you wanted). I don’t think of this that often, but the way I reacted was definitely a turning point for me, I realised that I could reject sex and learnt that I wanted more from a man that his penis.

To The First Guy

Image Credit

One thing that all of us will remember is the first person we were ever intimate with, whether it was through a romantic relationship or just a random hook-up or one night stand, its something that is hard to erase and defines the route your sex life goes in.

My first time was about halfway through my first year as an undergraduate student, I had finally discovered more of who I was as a person, I had finally built up the courage to start talking to men. I decided to join that infamous app that is popular within the Gay community for ‘hookups’. I had been on the app for a couple of weeks, I spoke to a few men, but nothing ever emerged out of it, until one day I got a message from a really attractive guy. He was an Arab/Italian mix, he was about 5ft 11 and had a very slander frame. His photo was nice, he was smiling, well-dressed and looked friendly.

Much to my surprise, the chat intensified very quickly, he suggested that we meet-up only after one day of talking — normally, I wouldn’t rush into something like this, however I knew that he was real as I had seen him around campus before and thought he was really cute. I met at his place, which was about a 25 minute walk from where I live, I remember the day vividly as the rain was torrential and I got absolutely soaked.

I arrived at his place, but there was a problem with his intercom. He greeted me at the door and there was a really awkward exchange of words — it was evident that both of us were extremely nervous and this was not in our typical character. He took me up the stairs to his flat and we sat on his sofa and started talking for a while. He was a really nice person, quite socially awkward (just like me), but there was little awkwardness when we started talking.

We spoke about all kinds of things ranging from current affairs to our university courses, to his flatmate who wouldn’t let him have a study desk of his own — which I still find incredibly odd to this day. After we had been talking for a while, he suggested we went to his room, I nervously accepted. We sat on his bed and carried on talking, then I took off my shoes and tried to ease up a bit.

He then encouraged me to carry on getting undressed, which I did in an incredibly nervous manner, he started to get undressed as well. We snuggled under his quilt for quite a few hours, it was really nice — especially since I was cold and wet by getting caught in the bad weather, plus it was January meaning it was genuinely freezing outside. He was the big spoon, I was the little spoon — which made sense as I was shorter than he was. This carried on for sometime, we made out quite a bit, had some sensual stroking of one another, it was really nice. There was relatively little actual sensual contact.

Overall, it was a really nice experience. It eased me into what it would be like to be with other men, something up until this point I had little experience with. While at the same time, making me more confident in who I was as a person and confident in my body.

To The First Guy I say thank you for making the experience of being with a guy so good, yes I know you can’t fully count it as the ‘first time’ as there was no penetrative sex. But i’m classing it as my ‘first time’, it is the thing I will always remember if i’m asked about my first experience with someone else of the same-sex — It will be etched on my mind forever and I am thankful that it was a positive experience, rather than some of the horror stories you hear from other guys.

To The Guy I Went On A Date With Who Didn’t Like Me Back

Image Credit

Dating is a daunting prospect for anyone. In this case, it was this really attractive Italian guy, there was a bit of an age gap between us, at the time I was 21 and he was 30. However, that didn’t seem to be a problem for either of us. It took us quite a while to actually get around to meeting-up due to him having a turbulent work schedule, as well as the fact I was writing my university thesis at the time.

We agreed to meet for coffee and go for a walk around the park that was nearby. The conversation flowed pretty well, from what I was gathering, he spoke about his past life in Italy, his work, his hobbies and passions. He was a really nice guy. I spoke about myself too and it seemed that we were both looking for the same thing.

The date came to a natural end when it started to rain pretty heavily, this was not helped by the fact I was just wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. We hugged and went our own ways. For the hours that followed, I knew that I wanted to see him again. I mean it was very rare for me to go on a date with someone I genuinely wanted to get to know, plus this was one of the first proper dates I had been on since I split up with an ex.

I contacted him to see about meeting up with him again, however I was met with the response that even know I was a nice guy, he didn’t want to see me again. This was a first for me, i’d never met-up with anyone who I wanted to see again that didn’t want to see me. It’s an odd feeling, however I was happy that he did it in a respectful way, rather than ‘ghosting’ me which is now a common feature of dating.

To The Guy I Went On A Date With Who Didn’t Like Me Back I say thank you for honesty, however I wish we could have seen each other again, I genuinely did see it leading to something more meaningful.